Tuesday, March 23, 2010

My husband is so not a mind reader

Sometimes I ask my husband a question.

I know the answer already, but this is what I want...

I want him to recognize the question behind the question (which can usually be summed up in four words, "Do you love me?")

Then I simply want him to read my mind, which contains the best possible answer, deliver that answer with the utmost sincerity, and finish it off with some spectacular compliment (to which I will say, "That's not true," and he will spend the next hour stating example after example proving it is, in fact, true.)

Is that too much to ask?

This is what I get instead...


The Question: Can you believe I burned the baby's face?  I'm a terrible mother. (I didn't literally burn the baby's face, but I did allow for a pretty nasty sunburn on those precious, milky-white cheeks.)

The Right Answer: Honey, you didn't burn the the baby's face.  I mean, it's the middle of March, who in their right mind would think about sunscreen when there is still snow on the ground?  And besides, it was a Saturday, I should have been around to help you remember things like sunscreen since you do such a great job of remembering EVERYTHING else.

His Answer: You didn't put sunscreen on his face?


The Question: Are you proud that I spent a whole night alone with the kids (something I was previously too terrified to attempt, even though his parents live so close I can literally look across the lawn and see what they're watching on TV)?

The Right Answer: I am so proud of you!  You are an amazing wife to take care of our kids so I could have a weekend away with the guys.  And you should know that "guy time" is now completely out of my system and I will never leave you alone with the kids again.

His Answer: (without looking up from his computer or letting me get past the word "proud") Yes.


The Question: So was your weekend relaxing? (underhanded sarcasm implied)

The Right Answer: It was alright.  But I couldn't stop thinking about you and the kids long enough to really enjoy myself. 

His Answer: Yeah.  You should try it sometime. (Right, that sounds easy enough.  Let me just detach the baby from my breast and the toddler from my leg, get in touch with the magical fairy who picks up your wet towels, unloads the dishwasher, and scrubs the crap from your children's clothes, and I'll be off in a jiffy.)


The Question: Will you watch the kids so I can go out for a while?

The Right Answer: I would love to!  Also, I was thinking I could do the dishes, fold the laundry, and draw you a candle-lit bath (that will not lead to sex in any way, shape or form).

His Answer: Yes.

Good enough!  I'm out of here.


Do your husbands usually get it "right"?  Tell me about a time "his answer" was very different from the "right answer."

Linking up with Deb and Lee to finish the sentence, "My husband is so..."



  1. It's a man thing - they don't typically read books the way women do and when it comes to words minimalism is their byword. When my daughter was one I took her to the park in March, just for an hour, on a sunny but still fairly cool day and her face got burnt. I could not believe it either. Since then no matter what time of year it is if we go out and it is sunny and we plan on being out for more than 20 minutes or so I apply sun lotion to her face and any other exposed body parts. Factor 50 no less! So you are not alone.

    Lovely post.

  2. OMG, at first, I mis-read it and thought the "right answer" was what he actually said and I was like, "Wow, I'm impressed". Then I re-read it and I was like, "Oh, okay...yeah, that sounds familiar".

    My husband often says I should just write him a script if I want him to say the things I wanna hear. Is it really that hard to pay us compliments every once in awhile?? I don't think so.

  3. My husband's answers are rarely the "right" answer... but I agree with what you consider to be the right answers... funny stuff!

    Men are silly. They really don't seem to get it.

    ME: What do you think of my haircut?
    RIGHT ANSWER: You look amazing! Of course it looked great before, but it looks even better now.
    HIS ACTUAL RESPONSE: What is going on in the back? It looks weird. What did you do?


  4. This was hilarious!! I especially liked the last one where the husband is supposed to do something totally romantic and not expect sex! Where do I sign up for that perk?!

    Should I even attempt the question "Do I look fat in this?" Lol!! No I don't want any answer that doesn't start with the word "No!"

    Thanks for linking up, loved your post!

  5. This totally cracked me up!! I love the bubble bath in a non sexual way..AS IF!! LMAO! I now have to follow you, because you are hysterical!!

  6. Too funny! I solved my communication problems with The Hubs. We don't talk anymore.

    You're welcome.

  7. Ha, how true is this, every bit of it! Of course my husband never says the right thing...I stopped giving him loaded questions as he put it.....I sound like Charlie Browns teacher I am sure at this point....but that's OK I still Love him, and I certainly know after reading everyone's stories, the grass is not greener on the other side!

  8. Yup. I am pretty sure we have had all of these conversations. You are so not alone. I have just stopped asking the rhetorical questions. Because, after all, then I get rhetoric ;)

  9. Terrific post. If only those were the answers we got. Alas!

    As to your precious baby's cheeks. It's okay. When my daughter was six months old, we went to the Santa Cruz boardwalk. It was a sunny day but I had her under the shade in her stroller so I wasn't worried. I didn't think, however, that the sun would refect up at her face from the concrete. She looked like something out of a burn unit. I BAWLED! Felt like the worst. Mommy. Ever. However, she was fine. Lesson learned hard. But we're not perfect. We're just mommies.

  10. I asked my husband 1 week ago if he noticed that I had gained some wight specifically around my hips. He said No and then followed that by "You could always start doing squats!"

    And then he showed me HOW!

    It is true though, I have gained a little around my hips :-(

  11. I don't know how my husband and I communicate at all. We are on totally different pages most of the time.

    We watched 2012 and after it I said. I am still emotionally all stirred up.

    He said. It's the same as any disaster movie.

    Me angrily, I didn't compare it to other movies. I just said it stirred me up.

    I guess because I am talking feelings and he is NOT.


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