Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Oh, My Aching Womb

I do not want another baby right now.  I don't.

But also, I do.

I want to pee on a stick first thing in the morning.  I want to experience that palpable mix of anticipation and joy and fear.  I want to say out loud that I dread those two pink lines, but know in my heart that their creeping appearance is my deepest desire.

I long for those first few months where the knowledge of this budding life belongs to my family alone.  When a discreet smile remains the only outward sign of an inward miracle.

I want my husband to run out for saltines and soda when the pallor of sickness replaces the glow of pregnancy.

I want to wonder for weeks whether the tiny spasms in my stomach are the jerky dance of a forming baby or just post-burrito gas (and yes, we eat burritos enough to actually wonder that).

I want to spend weeks composing carefully crafted lists of baby names, then throwing them all out around eight months in favor of the one that just feels right. 

I want teeny tiny newborn clothes and checklists of baby essentials.

I want to partake in some serious nesting.  Clean out every closet, reveal the elusive bottom of the laundry basket, wipe down every inch of the mini blinds, bleach all surfaces into sparkling white conformity.

I want to pack my bags with tennis balls and magazines and quarters that will never leave their duffelly home as I scream for help from the hospital bed.

I want that moment as we drive to the hospital when the anticipation, joy and fear that nine months earlier marked the beginning of this journey return like a flood.

I want the incomparable relief of gazing upon a healthy baby, who is yours, and knowing that the pain really was worth it (even though you may have let a few profanities fly just minutes earlier when your husband said the same thing).

I want to feel that aching sadness for a tiny, little life experiencing cold and hunger and pain for the very first time.

I want to cuddle and nourish that life, knowing that in the vast, bright world these arms are the only home he needs.

But as we all know newborns become infants, and infants toddlers.

And while I am sure the toddler years will remain my fondest memories down the road (way down the road), I just don't know how I would coerce one more living being into my car or provide enough acceptable lunch options for three preschoolers (without going crazy).

So I will demand that nagging baby-addicted voice stop immediately.  Because The Tine needs a sandwich.  The baby some attention.

And mom needs a break.


  1. I don't want a baby right now.

    But I really do.

    I go back and forth.

    Making up my mind and deciding what I want seems impossible.

  2. Beautifully written, just beautiful. I sat here smiling at the screen, remembering te way you feel.

    Yesterday, my friend let me babysit her 4-week old for a few hours while she went out for the first time. My 8 year old was at school and my six year old helped me. Borrowing a baby is a great interim solution until Mom gets her rest...!

  3. How about a puppy?

    I know how you feel. That was really beautiful. Because of the age difference in my girls I always seem to be wishing too, but have found that every age is the best. And I can guarantee that in a couple years you will be wishing for the toddler years and you won't remember the tantrums!

  4. I know exactly how you feel. Thank you for describing those feelings so beautifully.

  5. What a great description of what all we moms feel. Reading your post allows us to understand just how it is some people go past two to three four eight or ten. I can understand that reading your post. It is hard to decide you are done; babies are so wonderful, but at some point we all have to make that decision don't we.

  6. I hear you. While we are so very's hard not to miss those pangs. the excitement, the anticipation, the sweetness.

  7. I found myself wanting another baby until the day I got to be at my granddaughters birth. The I realized this was it - the baby I wanted and I could stop longing.

  8. I can really, really sympathize.

    We had been trying to conceive for 1 year when my 2 nieces were taken away from my sister. Long story short, we have temporary (most likely permanent) custody of them so we now have 4 kids under the age of 4. My kids are (almost) 4 and 2 1/2. The youngest niece is 6 months old and the other is 2 years old. As you can tell, it's very busy.

    However, my uterus STILL aches for another baby. We had been trying 1 whole year. I want to experience pregnancy, labor, birth, breastfeeding, infancy, all of it all over again. It just doesn't seem possible now so it's hard to think about.

  9. Kim, you crack me up! Motherhood must be an amazing, exhilarating, awful, beautiful thing, that we would love it so much and yet, sometimes, truth be told, fight against it, beg for a break and then when we are given one, spend all of our time away from the Littles shopping, prepping, and thinking about them! If I was good at predicting the future - which I am not - I would tell you to not sell your baby gear because I see another one in your future. :)

    And all that talk about newborns almost had me lactating!

    Thanks for the great post. -Karen

  10. Kim, the timing of this post is impeccable. I can honestly say I'm done with having babies...BUT today I was walking through Babies R Us to pick up some baby wipes and diapers (the toddlers are still in diapers at night) and I got this dull ache in my heart as I relived having been there numerous times during both pregnancies.

    I remember sitting my tired body in one of the rocking chairs on display when we were trying to choose cribs, using the bathroom repeatedly because I had to pee every 10 minutes.

    It was such an exciting time for us. I was a little bit sad realizing I'll never experience that again.

    Your writing is so beautiful and you express your thoughts so eloquently, which is one of the reasons why I adore you and your blog!!!

  11. My friend was visiting from Ohio yesterday with her 10 month old and holding him and smelling him, all I could think was BABY!!! We're definitely done, but the way you've described it, I get that pang, that aching sadness that those days are gone and I'll never get to experience that magic again and it does hurt. :( But also, after the day I've had with my brood, I will stick with holding other people's babies then handing them casually back when I'm done. ;)


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